I told them that all this was my doing, mine alone that it was I had brought them corruption, contamination and falsity. I stretched out my hands to them in despair, blaming, cursing and despising myself. „Alas! I always loved sorrow and tribulation, but only for myself, for myself but I wept over them, pitying them. Nobody can come to me and say, 'Why haven't you seen this and why and why.“ This tiny things is coming out, you can feel it coming out, it's breaking through, so it may be one day that she will understand many more things than she understands today. What I want to say is I tried, okay, I tried, and I'm not breaking my head that it's not happened. I am not ashamed to tell myself what I am doing wrong, but there must always be a way to understand that's all I can do. It's coming back and back and back and back to me for years. Everything I did wrong in my life I am suffering a long time. I don't need a Bible to tell me I'm doing wrong a hundred million times in my life. People in my life have tried to change me, and I have blown up even more violently and I said, 'What, do you really want to distort me?' What's left, you have to do it your way. I can feel and express things to understand how true somethings is. If someone said to me, 'You did everything wrong in your life,' I would say, 'Okay, maybe you're right.' But my way is the only way I can exist. I should have made many things better in my life, not only to Nastassja but many things. „I have made many things wrong in my life.
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